Independence

People say that you should treasure your childhood and adolescene. I do agree with that, but I have to admit, being an adult is nice too. Today I chose to ditch a class in order to study for an exam I have for another class. It's a wonderful feeling, to make a choice and know that -- in college at least -- there is no one to jump all over you and demand to know where you were and why no one was informed of your actions. I decided what the best option would be and then followed through with it. End of story.

It's not to say that independence should be used as an excuse for irresponsibility -- just because I can doesn't mean I should. In this instance though, I looked at my priorities and proceeded from there. Taking an extra hour and a half to study for an exam I'm not completely prepared for makes more sense to me than attending a class that makes allowances for absences anyway. Now that I think about it, this is the first class I've missed all semester. I could have missed more and it would have been fine. As it stands, I've chosen to go classes -- not an obligation, but a choice. Attending class is important to me, but if something I feel is more important presents itself, then I hope that I will act according to my priorities.

If people would rather not attend class, then that's great. If they feel it's important to never miss a class, then that's great too. The beauty is that it's up to the individual to make a decision. It's the independence that leads to growth or detriment, whichever you prefer. I'm thankful that I was raised the way I was, because it has taught me to think for myself and consider what I feel is important. It's why I'm taking the classes I'm taking. It's why I'm going to this school. It's why I go to the church I do and spend time investing in the friendships I've maintained and started. It's why I'm dating Ben and why I enjoy doing certain things.

I understand that more significant decisions are coming, ones that carry much more weight than ditching a class; I just hope that I can make good ones and not abuse the independence I have.

Incredibly encouraged

Today I value Caitlin Moore.

I had the privilege of getting lunch with Cait on my break. After being indecisive for a while, we chose Chick-Fil-A. I have always been drawn to Caitlin, but today I was actually able to sit down with her one-on-one and just talk and listen and be friends with her. We engaged in what I feel was meaningful conversation, and it left me feeling incredibly encouraged. Her words gave me hope for the future I am aspiring to and comfort in the place I find myself now, and those things are invaluable to me. Lunches like that are what the Body of Christ is supposed to look like, I think -- honest, edifying, legitimately interested in the other person.

Caitlin has been a huge blessing to me and to the Student Ministry at ncc. She really cares about developing relationships with the leaders and the students and supporting Zach in his role as a youth pastor. She exhibits the qualities of the wife and leader that I hope to be someday.

Fiction

There's something magnetic about a good story. I am introduced to people with no obligation to introduce myself to them. There is an opportunity to know someone intimately without being vulnerable yourself (without being vulnerable to the characters, at least). I am brought into a time and place different than my own, learning another culture's ways without having to participate in them (although sometimes I wish that I could). It's also refreshing to listen to a voice richer than what most of the academia I'm exposed to offers. I curl up on a chair in the library or in the corner of my couch and just read, falling into another world away from my own, which is cliche, but everyone feels that way about reading at some point.

I'm currently revisiting Orson Scott Card's Ender's Game, and it's just as good as I remember it being five years ago. I have loved the process of getting to know the characters, especially Ender and Valentine, who are interestingly complex, especially when I remind myself that they are not older than 10. Ender does the things he doesn't want to do, the things which spawn from the treatment he has been given all of his life. Valentine loves Ender deeply, but her love has become so removed that she hates herself for how she has forgotten. I love reading about the games, the battleroom. If the battleroom and quidditch were real, I would want to try playing them, at least once.

I think that I appreciate the writing more now that I'm older. The third-person narrative peeks into Ender's thoughts in an especially interesting way, and I really enjoy the vocabulary, the sentence composition, the attention to sensory intake. I would include an excerpt, but I don't want to carelessly choose one for the sake of this blog. It can wait.

I have so many novels on the bookshelf in Marcus' room just waiting to be read -- All the King's Men, One Hundred Years of Solitude, Frankenstein, Emma, The Kite Runner... just to name a few. I want to have the time to read each and every one of them. Maybe it's just a matter of making time.

video

as a follow-up to my entry on the twenty-first, here is the video kha put together that i had the privilege of being a part of. i think it turned out pretty well.

something radiant

for the LORD comforts zion;
he comforts all her waste places
and makes her wilderness like eden,
her desert like the garden of the LORD;
joy and gladness will be found in her,
thanksgiving and the voice of song (isaiah 51:3).

God is the only one who can take what is hopeless and desolate and transform it into something radiant.

and I have put my words in your mouth
and covered you in the shadow of my hand,
establishing the heavens
and laying the foundations of the earth,
and saying to zion, "you are my people" (isaiah 51:16).

the balance of God's supremacy and His love is astounding -- that He created the earth and all that sustains it, yet He would still stoop down and love us, setting us apart and promising comfort for us in the midst of our trials. we are indescribably unworthy of God's attention, yet He cradles our lives in His hands and wants to fill us with joy and with singing, because He loves us so much.

kayla

i marvel at the relationships that God creates. the way that He can take two people and fit their differences and similarities into a friendship fascinates me, largely because i get to be a part of so many awesome peoples' lives.

kayla smith is my cousin and my best friend, and she's moving back up to flagstaff today to continue her schooling at northern arizona university. we had time to eat breakfast before she left, so we went to paradise bakery and enjoyed our last couple of hours together. the two of us grew up together, and her role in my life is a highly cherished one that no other person can fill.

on the way back to her house today, she pointed out how a lot of people think that the two of us are really alike when they first meet us, but after knowing us longer discover that there are a lot of prominent differences. and that's where God gets all the glory, because He is the one who put us into each other's lives, knowing what our personalities would be like and where we would differ from one another. He knew that we would end up being best friends, and He designed each of us in a way that makes that friendship so much richer and more beautiful than it would be on its own, without Him.

our conversation ended with us raving about how awesome Jesus is, and how much we love Him, and then we hugged each other tight and i drove away from her house, crying a little all the while. i treasure our friendship so much, and i will miss her immensely while she's away, and i hope that i never take her for granted.

joy in serving

kha do -- a close friend of mine -- got his wisdom teeth out yesterday. i had the surgery done last week, so i guess he was inspired to just get it done and over with himself. in the late afternoon, i sent him a text message asking him if he needed anything. i ended up at his door with a pomegranate heart defender smoothie from jamba juice ("it's good for antibodies," he told me). i hung around for a while and he showed me footage of how anesthetic affects him, then we talked and i changed out his ice packs and things like that. i agreed to come back over later with sarah blackford -- one of my best friends -- so that we could help him make a short film for student ministries, which ended up being a spoof of this saturday night live digital short; i can't wait to see how it turns out.

as i was driving back to my house from kha's to eat dinner, i just thanked God for the change i've seen in me over the past couple of years. there's this thing called cardboard testimonies that a couple people have told me about, which apparently our church is going to be doing in the near future. when my dad was showing it to me, i thought to myself what i might write on my own piece of cardboard to represent the transformation that i have seen in my life. i concluded on one side i would write "indifferent," and on the other, "compassionate." this is the biggest change i have seen in my heart. in junior high and early high school, i would take those spiritual gift tests and always score low in areas like serving and helps. now, i think i would score highest there, because i find so much joy in serving others.

i texted kha because i was concerned about his well-being. i offered to get him something to eat because i know how frustrating it is to eat after that wisdom teeth surgery, especially on the first day. and besides, i figured he might want something more than whatever could be offered at home; i know that i got kind of tired of pudding and applesauce. taking the time to drive to jamba juice, buy him something, and hang out at his house for a while was not a hassle to me at all; i wanted to do it. i wanted to serve him in that way, because i care. and just the simple fact that i truly do care is an amazing testament of God's love in me, because without Him, i'm not sure that i would have cared -- at least not enough to do something about it. i think i would have been indifferent, but i'm not anymore, and that is totally God in me. and that excites me. :)

abundant life: the highest of arts

i've read the following statement by donald miller and kind of latched onto it:

life cannot be understood flat on a page. it has to be lived; a person has to get out of his head, has to fall in love, has to memorize poems, has to jump off bridges into rivers, has to stand in an empty desert and whisper sonnets under his breath.

i totally believe this. i think the reason we find satisfaction in life is that life is an art in and of itself. as secular as he is, i have to agree with henry david thoreau when he says this:

it is something to be able to paint a particular picture, or to carve a statue, and so to make a few objects beautiful; but it is far more glorious to carve and paint the very atmosphere and medium through which we look. ... to affect the quality of the day, that is the highest of arts.

i have been redeemed by the grace of God into what Jesus calls abundant life (john 10:10). i guess that this blog is my attempt to share that abundant life with others, as well as put it into relief for myself, so that i can be reminded to acknowledge God's glory in all that i see and experience.

God makes everything glorious. i pray that i will be filled with His Word and driven by His love, so that i may see and rejoice in the glory of His design.